(Image: Diana Simumpande)
*The following was inspired by a recent conversation I had with a younger sister in the Lord, and it contains a prayer request I subsequently shared with my local church. It has been edited for publication here, and I pray it will be an encouragement to other Christians who are single and waiting.*
About two weeks before my 39th birthday, I fell into a mild depression. I was entering the final year of my 30s a single lady, and not only that, there was no one waiting in the wings to “put a ring on it”. Honestly, that broke my heart...and it did a nice little number on my pride. I didn’t feel “single, saved and sassy” or whatever catchy, alliterative descriptor some Christian authors might use these days. I simply felt “single and sad...and angry...and lonely...and frustrated...and anxious!”
Thankfully, on the day of my birthday, the depression and heaviness of what I’d been feeling lifted. But in the weeks and months to come, I’d still find myself “feeling a way” about my marital status.
Noticing that my focus on this area could become a stumbling block, a few weeks ago I submitted to my pastor a prayer request for contentment in singleness. Within a couple of days after sending over my prayer request, however, one of my mentees randomly texted me asking how I manage to be content in my singleness. (Ha!) I thought the timing of her question was hilarious, but saw it as an opportunity from the Lord to truly consider how I’d been approaching the issue lately.
A GODLY DESIRE + AN UNGODLY FOCUS
As much as I wanted to tell her something that sounded super spiritual and fitting of my idea of a “godly mentor”, I just had to keep it real with her. I told her that, honestly, my “contentment in singleness” comes and goes, but when it goes, it’s simply a reminder for me to turn to the Lord...to cling to Him and to pray. It is also a loving reminder that I am not called to singleness in the sense that I don’t desire marriage. I’d be lying to myself if I said that’s not my desire, and I know it is a godly one. As such, I can take comfort in knowing the Lord hears my desire and can fulfill it in His timing.
But my frustration in this area has been largely rooted in my placing undue focus on what society says about single women my age. It’s also rooted in my feeling guilty for desiring marriage at all due to the warped beliefs that this desire is sinful, or a desire of the weak, or a sign that I don’t trust God, or even that singleness is a lesser status and/or punishment from God. As such, over the years I’ve actually been tempted to NOT pray about the matter and to especially avoid praying about it regularly and earnestly. Yet, my recent review of Hannah’s story (1 Samuel 1: 1-28; 2:1-11) was a refreshing reminder that I can weep bitterly and fully pour out my heart in anguish before the Lord about this issue daily if needed, and He hears me and doesn’t count my desire for a family or the persistence in praying for one sin or error.
So again, I told my mentee my “contentment in singleness” actually comes and goes.
A WOMAN IN WASTING
Second, I told her I have to be purposeful about serving and glorifying the Lord even in my current state. This requires me to intentionally focus on the people and opportunities the Lord has placed in my life, and to be thankful for them. This world is too big and it is filled with too many people to neglect enjoying the good it has to offer or to neglect the people to whom I can show the Lord’s love and goodness simply because I’m not presently a wife. This is rooted in another warped belief that one can’t fully enjoy and serve well in this life until we have a spouse and, with my nearing 40 in less than a year, I was arrested by the thought that my “good years” are about over. This caused me to grow anxious and demand that whoever my husband is, he needs to “hurry up!”
But I now realize it would be a sin to waste the days the Lord has given me because I’m indignant that these days don’t (yet) include a husband. I’m convicted in even admitting that I’ve been thinking this way, as it is such a horrible heart posture, and it actually accuses the Lord of wrongdoing! (I’ve since repented and asked the Lord to forgive me of this.) After all, doesn’t He know what’s best? Isn’t He good? Isn’t He MY maker? Isn’t He sovereign? How dare I put my life (which God has given me) “on hold” until God gives me something else?! That doesn’t make any sense, and that attitude doesn’t glorify Him at all.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
A TEST IN CONTENTMENT
After sharing the two foregoing points with my mentee, a third point was also made clear to me: I realized that when Paul reminds us to be content in whatever state we’re in, he’s referring to our ultimate contentment in the Lord. I don’t have to innately like or be consistently happy about my current marital status...the Lord said “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), not me. He created me to be a helpmeet. So by design, I simply long to meet who I’m supposed to help!!! Moreover, the Lord said some are called to marriage and some to singleness (Matthew 19:11-12; 1 Corinthians 7). While I am currently single and I do believe this is the status to which I am called right now, my desire for marriage convicts me enough to pray for a husband - and there’s nothing wrong with or weak about that. Who am I do presume my lengthy wait (humanly speaking) means it’s the Lord’s will that I never marry? Yet, I also won’t presume the Lord owes me marriage, either. So, rather than be presumptuous or dogmatic in either direction, I’ll simply be prayerful.
In the meantime, what I know for certain is I am called to glorify the Lord and enjoy Him forever. So, ultimately, this matter hasn’t been about my “contentment in singleness” per se but an exercise in testing my contentment in Christ...and this would be the case for me even in marriage. Rather than focusing on my singleness and how it makes me feel or seeing singleness as a sign of where and who I am in Christ, I would do well to focus instead on my God, His character, His truths and His promises (Colossians 3:2-4). If THIS focus is in tact, where and who I am in Christ would bear out in how I carry myself and in the posture of my heart whether single or married.
I SAID ALL OF THIS TO SAY…(AN AMENDED PETITION)
And so my supplication before God has been amended: Rather than praying for “contentment in singleness”, I now pray for “contentment in Christ” and that it can be seen and glorifying to Him whether I am single or married. To be clear, of course, I do still also pray for marriage, and I ask that the Lord would honor this petition by sending me my own godly husband who would lead me and our family well as He submits to and follows Christ. I trust the Lord will answer each of these requests according to His good purposes, and I have peace in knowing the outcomes will be for my good and for His glory.