(Image: Priscilla Du Preez)
Host Veritéetfeu and guest Alexis Daniels (IG: @deadwomen_paintednails) discuss the various false teachings that are leading Christian singles into an unbiblical understanding of marriage, singleness and everything in between.
Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Anchor and wherever you get your podcasts.
As I prepare this January to receive and celebrate my new earthly identity, I felt it most appropriate to testify of and celebrate the identity in Christ I’ve enjoyed through Januaries past.
“What would you do if your husband cheated on you?”
“DIIIVOOOORRCE!”
“Really? Divorce? You’d just give up your family like that?”
“Give up on my family? Didn’t my husband give up on us the moment he cheated? I could NEVER trust him again!”
“That’s cold! I can’t believe you’d do that.”
“Are you SERIOUS?!”
This is a snippet from a conversation I had with a gentleman I dated well over a decade ago. I do believe that was the last conversation we ever had. He was an audacious fellow, and I was a little bit more than furious. The nerve of him. OF COURSE I’d divorce my unfaithful husband! What was he thinking...that if we got married he could do whatever he wanted and I’d just deal with it? Tuh! Nope! I was so undone by his response. In fact, as I shared that conversation with girlfriends over the years, everyone said that I was right and agreed that this guy was clearly out of his mind. I didn’t need them to affirm me, of course. I already knew I was right. Indeed, I was more than right!
But then I began to follow Christ.
About two weeks before my 39th birthday I fell into a mild depression. I was entering the final year of my 30s a single lady, and not only that, there was no one waiting in the wings to “put a ring on it”. Honestly, that broke my heart...and it did a nice little number on my pride. I didn’t feel “single, saved and sassy” or whatever catchy, alliterative descriptor some Christian authors might use these days. I simply felt “single and sad”...and angry...and lonely...and frustrated...and anxious!
Thankfully, on the day of my birthday, the depression and heaviness of what I’d been feeling lifted. But in the weeks and months to come, I’d still find myself “feeling a way” about my marital status.
Long, long ago, I belonged to a church where it wasn’t uncommon for members to “know” the specific person “God” told them they were destined to marry. A good friend of mine at the time believed God revealed to her that our pastor’s armor bearer (assistant/Bible toter/water getter/forehead wiper) was her husband to be. Another member said God told her she would marry one of our church’s ministers. And I believed the Lord told me a popular radio personality (and church member) was destined to be my hubby. Suffice it say, each of us found ourselves looking like an idiot as time and circumstance played out. The pastor’s armor bearer ended up marrying another woman within six months of meeting her. The minister simply used the other young lady for sex as she pined away hoping he’d one day see they were meant to be. And my radio personality hubby-to-be told me flat out that I wasn’t “the one”, went on to marry a gorgeous gospel artist and (10+ years later) they remain married and have an adorable family.
Since leaving that church, I’ve come to learn that our embarrassingly mistaken “revelations” aren’t uncommon among professed believers in other churches, either. I’ve since met another young lady who so sincerely believed God told her a specific guy was her husband that she remained single and waited for him for 13 years! (THIIIIIIIR-TEEEEEN...YEEEEEAAAAARRRRSSSS!!!!) Meanwhile, that gentleman barely knew her name, and if I recall correctly, he also went off to marry someone else.
As a Christian woman, it’s hard to admit that physical attraction is one of my non-negotiables. I'm often made to feel like I’m confessing some secret sin from which I require immediate deliverance, as if wanting to be attracted to my spouse makes me carnal, superficial or “loose”. Now, it is quite possible my present perspective on this topic is spiritually immature. I might look back on this piece years from now, perhaps after I’m married, and find that my current priorities are slightly out of whack. Nevertheless, I feel very strongly about this at the moment and, even on the chance that it isn’t the most mature perspective, I’m certain it isn’t a sinful one.
It seems within weeks an engagement occurs, female friendships can begin to take a nasty, catty turn. According to my social media timelines, these cat fights rear their ugly heads because a single friend is now “hating” on the newly engaged friend. It's a sad state of affairs, people. So, this post is inspired by a lot of what I've seen play out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and much, much more. I’m writing this in love, and in an effort to help you repair and maintain important relationships. I also seek to help others who have to watch this stuff play out in our newsfeed maintain our sanity - ladies, we honestly can't take another passive aggressive status update or meme.
So, engaged ladies, here are four things your single female friends are most likely thinking about your impending nuptials.
Today is my 35th birthday. While most people enter their birthdays thankful to see another year, I was in the midst of a knock-down, drag out fight with God not even 24 hours ago! We actually fight a lot...and He always wins. But I rather enjoy that He always takes a moment from His busy schedule to entertain lil’ old me when I feel a hankering to whine and complain.
But this fight was a bit different. This time, I was extremely upset with Him. And I made sure He knew it!
While browsing through Twitter the other day, I happened upon an interesting post from one of my favorite Christian writers, Samuel Sey.
In it, he declared:
“If a woman doesn’t want to be a mother, she shouldn’t be a wife. My dude, stay away from her.”
Founder and blogger at slowtowrite.com and contributing writer for various other outlets, Sam has done well to pen prolific thought pieces on the state of our culture, and he always endeavors to do so through a Biblical worldview. We also share a platform at Pyrolithos Foundation, where we each publish articles that address cultural issues from a Biblically-conservative perspective. In other words, Sam and I are on the same team; he is indeed my brother in the Lord; and, in most instances, I agree with his commentary.
Yet, admittedly, I found his tweet to be a bit provocative and potentially discouraging.